Other people’s insults only work if we agree with them.

The moment the insult lost its power

While I was playing a video game, another player became angry and started insulting my weight while making homophobic comments. Instead of trading insults with him, I calmly responded: ‘Yes, I’m fat. And what if I were gay? What would either one have to do with you?’

Suddenly, he had nothing else to say. His words depended on my shame. Once I refused to treat my size or someone’s sexuality as something shameful, the attack had nowhere else to go.

Insults often search for our agreement

Some people look for whatever they believe will hurt us most. They may attack our appearance, identity, background, mistakes or circumstances because they hope we will react from a place of insecurity.

Sometimes people throw their pain in our direction because they do not know how to carry it themselves. That does not excuse disrespect, but it can help us avoid turning someone else’s brokenness into our identity. We cannot always control what people call us. We can control whether we accept their words as truth.

Tough skin does not require a hard heart

Living in this world requires tough skin, but tough skin should not mean becoming cold, cruel or emotionally disconnected. It means developing enough self-awareness to recognize the difference between constructive criticism and a deliberate attempt to cause pain.

Wisdom is not pretending that words never hurt. Words can affect us deeply. Wisdom is processing that hurt without giving another person permanent authority over how we see ourselves.

Confidence begins with knowing who—and whose—we are

When I was younger, I was still a bigger guy, but I carried myself with tremendous confidence—probably more confidence than I have today. I believe that confidence was one of the qualities that made me appealing to many young ladies. My size did not completely determine how I entered a room because I believed in who I was.

Confidence can change as life changes us. For me, life after 40 has brought a growing realization that other people’s opinions cannot carry more weight than what I know about myself.

As I continue recreating myself and becoming the man God has called me to be, I am learning that confidence does not come only from knowing who I am. It also comes from knowing whose I am. There is confidence in remembering that we are God’s children. Someone else’s words cannot reduce the value God placed within us.

Become your own star player

At the end of the day, each of us must become our own star player. That does not mean believing we never need encouragement, accountability, community or professional support. It means refusing to abandon ourselves simply because someone else does not recognize our value.

Protect your peace. Accept useful correction. Reject cruelty disguised as honesty. Do not allow another person’s unresolved pain to write your identity.

• Name one negative label someone placed on you
• Cross it out instead of rehearsing it
• Replace it with one truthful statement about who—or whose—you are
• Make one decision today that agrees with the truth instead of the insult

Wisdom of the video

‘Other people’s insults lose their power when we stop carrying their opinions as our identity.’ — Darrius Garrett

Wisdom is not just about knowing what’s right, but also doing what’s right. Until next time, stay wise and stay inspired.